A Lesson In Smoove-ology

1976: I am born at around 8:30 AM on August 9th, 1976. Other 20th century notable events recorded on this day:

• 1945 - An atomic bomb nicknamed "Fat Man", with an energy of 22,000 tons of TNT, is dropped on the city of Nagasaki, Japan at 11:02 AM (local time). An estimated 60,000-80,000 are killed and more than 60,000 are injured.

• 1963 - Whitney Houston is born.

• 1969 - Members of a cult led by Charles Manson murder five people.

• 1974 - Richard Nixon becomes the first President of the United States to resign from office.

• 1995 - Jerry Garcia dies.

1977: A year of growth and introspection.

1978: I learn to read.

1979: In the coed nursery school bathroom a girl walks up behind me and asks how come I can stand up when I pee. She tries it. Hilarity ensues.

1980: My brother is born. My parents ask me what his name should be and for some reason I say "Matthew". It sticks.

1981: I start Kindergarten and my teacher, Mrs. Vince, has a massive heart attack and dies right in front of me. Being five, I start laughing as soon as she hits the ground. I now recognize this as my introduction to the joys of schadenfreude.

1982: Michael Jackson moonwalks into my life. Everything else pales in comparison.

1983: I stop doing work in second grade. Instead I sit at my desk and space out for weeks. Ms. Pomeranz moves me into the corner and puts an enormous cardboard box around me, effectively making me The Dunce. Four years later the same thing happens to my brother.

1984: I am cast as the Mayor of the Munchkin City in the class play.

1985: Mrs. Blachinski tells me I need to get a haircut because I look like a girl. Michelle Fradette, who I have a massive crush on, overhears and I go home to cry from embarrassment.

1986: Legend of Zelda is the best game ever.

1987: Miraculously, Michelle Fradette becomes my girlfriend. We go on a date (with my parents and brother) to see Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Afterwards we go to Friendly’s for ice cream and I sing “Great Green Globs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts” to her as she scoops out the final spoonfuls of hot fudge. Michelle spends the next 10 minutes throwing up in the bushes outside while my Mom rubs her back. She goes home to cry from embarrassment.

1988: I go to middle school and become a geek.

1989: I grow a mullet and become a bigger geek.

1990: During the lunch period of my first day of high school, a senior “follies” me and makes me pick my nose and eat it in front of a table full of the most popular senior girls. I tell myself things can only get better from here.

1991: I get a signed permission slip from my Mom to participate in a walk-out in protest of the Gulf War.

1992: I get a real girlfriend and get laid. I also steal a universal remote control and get arrested.

1993: “Are you going to college?”
"I don’t know. I guess."
“You’re going to college.”
“OK.”

1994: I get accepted to Hofstra University in January and spend the rest of my high school career cutting class with one of the hottest girls in school. She shows me the bruises where her boyfriend hits her and I tell her she deserves better. She doesn’t believe me.

1995: The lost year.

1996: I wake up to find myself on triple probation with the University for a wide variety of offences. Surprisingly, I also discover that I am really good with computers. Somehow they just make sense to me. Philosophy remains my favourite subject, but I’m not fucked up enough to think I’ll be able to pay off a $20,000 loan with a philosophy degree. I declare a major in Computer Science and buy a bong.

1997: I party every night and pass every class. Life is great.

1998: Fuck New Jersey.

1999: I go to DC to work with a good friend who owns a software company. I learn the meaning of “right place, right time”.

2000: After earning almost $80,000 I pay my taxes to find less than $300 in my checking account. I wonder where all my money went, and then I look at my DVD collection: Independence Day and Dave Matthews Live? I decide to make some changes.

2001: I eat tuna out of the can every day for a year and quit my job. I go to Portugal for the first time with my family, walk across Spain, get molested by a Buddhist monk, and meet my future wife on a tropical island in Thailand. I am weightless.

2002: I return home after 10 months to learn my Mom has been diagnosed with MS. I get married and do 1000 push-ups in under an hour.

2003: I discover fresh garlic. I always used to use the jarred stuff or that powdered crap, but neither compares to the real deal. The only thing that’s kind of a drag is peeling the individual cloves. I make a mental note to design a garlic clove extraction contraption and win a Nobel Prize.

2004: After paying off my student loans, Fiona and I quit our shitty desk jobs and take off.

2005: In progress.

Posted by flow Frazao on March 24, 2005 at 10:07 PM in Me | Permalink