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January 17, 2006

A Little Bit Disoriented

I'm not feeling my self today.  I'm feeling very run down, very tired, and my head is overflowing with information I've been cramming in it.  I'm feeling anxious about doing everything before we leave, getting it all down.  I'm anxious that I'm not up to the challenge of all this.  I'm anxious that I've bitten off more than I can chew.  I'm giving myself grief about having saved all of the money for this trip from what Jeremy and I have earned over the last two months, even though we have been very generously given a donation which has gone towards our flights.  So in fact, we now don't need to earn as much as I had budgeted for, but instead of giving myself a break, I am still trying to work towards earning the original amount.  Why?  Because that's what we were originally trying to do, and I want to achieve that goal.  Because that's what I said I'd do.

I'm spending hours and hours getting J and my financial affairs in order.  Learning about investment types, total returns, principals and compounded interest rates.  Learning about what I don't know so I can decide what I need to know.  So that J and I are not totally floundering around in terms of our finances, so that we are being proactive to make the most of what we do have.  I feel empowered doing this, but I know that I am also pushing myself to learn a lot in a short amount of time.  But when I feel tired, I think about all the people who I've personally met on my travels, who would do anything to be in my situation, who make me look like a millionaire when compared to me, and I find myself pushing myself harder for them.  On behalf of all those who wish they had access to all the self-education tools that I have. 

I find that I feel better, physically, than I have in a long time.  I feel my brain working, and I haven't felt that in quite a while.  I feel my mind struggling with new concepts, with ideas, and the processes of my uni days are coming back to me.  I like how it feels, but I don't know how to make it stop.  Not that I want it to stop, but when I wake in the morning I feel like I haven't slept, I feel like I've just been laying there turning everything over in my head.  I've really been learning lately that the more you do, the more will happen to you.  When Jeremy subbed at the local high school, we got an opportunity to speak to the Human Rights class.  Nothing is going to happen unless you get yourself out there.  I'm trying to do that as much as possible.  I want things to start happening, and I've finally realised you just have to do it, then things can't help but happen in reaction to what you already began.

In day-to-day terms, Saturday was a work day for me, quite profitable which was nice.  Sunday it snowed and I managed to leave work early and get home for a lot of reading.  Right now I'm reading "Chasing the Sun" by Neville Williams which is quite interesting.  I'm learning a lot about people who make things happen.  Yesterday I worked the lunch shift which was chaotic, then Jeremy and I picked up our plane tickets in New Haven, came straight home, then more reading for me.  This morning I worked again, picked Jeremy up from work in the afternoon, had some lunch, did some more financial stuff and then chatted to Mum and Dad on Skype for a little while.  I ended up watching a movie tonight, "Crash", which is really good, but I feel conflicted about watching a movie.  I feel like I wasted the evening but on the other hand I feel like I needed a night off.  There's just so much I want to accomplish, and I'm trying my best, I just hope I don't run myself into the ground. 

9 days 'til San Fran and counting...


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